How Not To Balls Up The Best Man Speech

By: Rob

How Not To Balls Up The Best Man Speech

After organising the stag do, with of course, most best men start to slightly freak out about the best man speech. It’s a long standing tradition that you’ll have to say a few words. Normally mocking a mate is easy when is just a bunch of lads but with family members in attendance it can be a bit more tricky. You have to include certain people, thank this person etc etc.

So, we are thehairystag want to make sure that after a great stag party weekend, you get through the wedding with the same ease. Right lads, here is How Not To Balls Up The Best Man Speech!

Don’t Get Drunk

Seems pretty obvious but this has been the downfall for many a best man. Think about it, you and your mates all getting ready for the ceremony. Few drinks to calm the nerves beforehand, a few sneaky pints straight after the ceremony and depending on what time the speeches are you’ll have a reception and dinner of drinking. Then you have to stand up and speak and try to be articulate. If you want to make sure the speech goes down well go easy on the sauce until afterwards, you’ll have the rest of the night to get plastered.

Begin The Speech With The Thank Yous 

Always start with the formalities. Don’t dive head first into mocking your mate. There’s plenty of time for that. So thank everyone for coming, tell everyone they look well, thank everyone that helped organise the day. This will get you off on the right foot and avoid you making a balls of the speech.

The No Go Areas

If you want to see your best mate after the big day make sure and not to mention any of these. Otherwise his now wife will have him on lockdown and won’t be allowed out with you for pints down the pub. So don’t mention:

  • Any ex-girlfriend
  • Any incriminating details from the stag party weekend…what happens on the stag stays on the stag
  • Avoid any stories that casts you both in a bad light
  • Don’t go with any stories about the bride that aren’t pre approved by the bride. If you think she won’t find it funny, she’ll more than likely hate and probably go through you for a shortcut.

How You Say It

Know your audience lads. There will be an older crowd that don’t know slang words and more than likely hate curse words. So for the sake of the speech use them every now and then. No need to just jump straight in with ‘F*** this’ and ‘remember that time with the f**king..’. You don’t want to go from ‘Johnny’s lovely best friend’ in the minds of his family to ‘Johnny’s friend who uses horrible language, I’m not fond of them hanging out together’.

Choose Your Joke Wisely

Every best man wants to make that speech where they have the crowd in tears of laughter. But remember if you were that good a comedian you’d be on Live At The Apollo. Chances are you’ll get away with good, bad and even cringey jokes. But thread very carefully with the inappropriate jokes. Some people don’t often respond positively to them or decided to leave their sense of humour at home. I had to learn that the hard way.

Be Positive, Funny And Light Hearted Throughout

It’s meant to be a happy day so avoid being a dry balls and bringing the mood down with a sad story. If there is a need for a special mention for a recently deceased obviously mention it but do not dwell on the situation. Move swiftly onto mocking the groom. This is that point in the speech where you mock him un-mercifulessly because you know he’d do it to you. Everything is fair game but try not butcher him that bad in front of his folks. Just question how he even managed to find a woman.

Butter Up The Bride

Always compliment the bride. You know the story, how great she looks, how lucky your mate is and that you look truly happy together. This is all about buttering up the bride so when the groom asks to go on a lads weekend away in a few months time, she gives the green light and you all try and recreate the madness that happened on the stag party.

Mention Your Friendship

This should be included at some point in the speech. How ye met, did you both grow up together and basically the crazy antics you both got up to in your youth…(Probably still do the same immature stuff, but they don’t need to know that). Don’t go overboard though, showing signs of healthy bromance is good. Showing signs that the bride has a challenger not so good.

How The Bride And Groom Met

Who knows they could have met on some random night out in a bar, or while you were on a stag party weekend somewhere. They were both drunk, had a bit of tonsil boxing, exchanged numbers and decided to text each other the following day and kinda realised he/she is alright I’d like to see more of them.

So forget telling the truth here and go with the fairytale version. You know ‘how there eyes met across the room’, ‘She was special’, ‘Love at first sight’ and ‘he’s found his soulmate’. Basically anything that tugs on the emotional heart strings of the females in the crowd. Oh that cute awkward meeting!


Time to wrap this bad boy speech up with a triumphant toast. Wish them look with everything in the future and to an incredible night and honey moon. Then raise a glass. Don’t balls this up trying to quote so fancy poet. You’ve up there long enough talking so finish up the speech and let’s get this party started.

So there you have lads, How Not To Balls Up The Best Man Speech. Stick to these guidelines and you’ll be right for the best man speech!